Does 'the one' exist?

Is the soul mate thing just a cruel myth, or does true love await every girl? CLEO investigates.

Once upon a time, a pretty Sydney girl named Amanda Cole penned a book titled I Hate Cinderella. Suffering a broken heart, the photographer-cum-author decided not to take the proverbial axe to her ex, but to parlay all her sadness into an illustrated fairytale for grown-up girls.

"I didn't want anyone to feel lost and have no hope," says Cole, 29, a true romantic optimist. "When you're heartbroken, you think you're not capable of love. But what the book is saying is that's rubbish. I believe that you have more than one soul mate; that different people come into your life, fulfilling different purposes when you need them."

The question of whether there's just one true love for us all — a missing puzzle piece who is our perfect complement &151; generally splits the population into two camps: the romantic idealists and the realists. The idealists, supported by the likes of Greek philosopher Plato, would suggest that if we wait patiently, the universe will deliver our other half, while the realists are of a more try-before-you-buy mindset, believing that for every yin there are more than a few yangs.

Modern love
While the post-feminist, single-girl lifestyle has us buying our own diamond rings, and the divorce rate (despite falling in the past few years) still continuing to undermine the institution of marriage, the concept of finding The One — a lifelong companion who lights your fire but who you can also grow old with — is alive and well.

In fact, a study from Rutgers University in New Jersey found that 94 per cent of people in their 20s were holding out for a soul mate before committing to marriage, with 87 per cent believing they'd find that person when they were ready.

Stories of true love continue to appeal to us beyond the Disney diet we were brought up on – it's why we glorify Brad and Angelina, and have a copy of The Notebook in our DVD collections. But have we fallen prey to the soul mate myth made popular by Hallmark, Hollywood and Mills & Boon? Not even the Bible suggests God has created one true love for each of us — in Christian circles, finding someone of noble character is more important than a perfect match.

While our grandparents generally married young and often out of practicality (financial security being of utmost importance), the modern girl is investing in education, career, travel and property, as well as developing her own wide social network, before even considering tying the knot. With more time spent on the singles scene, there are simply more opportunities for men to enter her life — many with soul mate potential. So rather than The One, there may be A Few.

"I believe all our lovers, family membersand friends are soul mates in some form, and that they come into our lives to teach us something that's going to make us a better person," says Jane Roder, relationship coach and author of How To Find Your Soul Mate. "They may be there to teach us something about money or work, or just to challenge our beliefs and values. Relationships are for our growth."

Having dated the likes of Jared Leto and Josh Hartnett before saying "I do" to her One, Ryan Reynolds, last year, Scarlett Johansson, a self-confessed romantic, is similarly circumspect about relationships: "I've been in situations where a guy hasn't been into me. It's either they don't want to commit or put in the effort, or they're too involved in their own thing," she says. "You don't always meet the right person at the right time, and I think it's important for people to figure out their own lives before involving someone else — to gauge where you are and work on your own issues."

Finding (and loving) yourself
Scarlett's love-yourself-first sentiment is echoed by relationship experts and psychologists alike. "We have to love and respect ourselves before we can give and receive lasting and fulfilling love," says Roder.

When we're confident in ourselves, and get busy living our lives, for some reason, a soul mate can spring up like your boyfriend's mother on a Saturday morning. Though getting to a point where we're ready for Cupid's bow to take aim may involve sorting through some of our excess baggage — particularly if we're carrying more than a Louis Vuitton store.

"If you're stressed about finding The One, you won't be putting out good energy," says zone coach Michelle Stanton. "Desperation and worry aren't attractive frequencies. Being present and appreciative gives off a beautiful energy. You'll find you attract all sorts of wonderful people into your life when you're peaceful, joyful, comfortable and present."

Define what you're looking for
We spend hours tagging magazines and making lists before shopping, but rarely are we clear about what we want in a partner, often making impulse purchases based on lust.

"Being too sexually available to men has a tendency to reduce the chance of attracting a committed relationship," warns Roder. "Men tend to lose interest quickly when they get sex easily, as the woman isn't a challenge. Get to know the guy before rushing in. This way, the men who don't care about you, who are only there for sex, will disappear off the scene."

A recent study by Flinders University in Adelaide, which looked at couples married for more than 25 years, found that compatibility was the most common reason for marital bliss, followed by shared interests, good communication, and then love.

These are all characteristics of the relationship shared by Gillie and Marc Schattner, who co-authored the picture book True Love (Random House, $9.95). "In my opinion, a true love is someone that you have a friendship with," says Gillie. "If you're a team, you can share the achievements and support each other during testing times. I recommend that you never settle for second best. I believe in finding the love of your life. He's out there, and when you find him, you'll know."

By Cleo Staff