With so many potential partners out there, should we have one now and one for later?
Text flirting, group dates, random hook-ups, serial monogamy, de facto living arrangements ... it may all seem pretty normal to us but, to older folk, it's proof that dating has become a much more casual affair for our generation.
Not convinced? Just compare it to previous eras where agreements to "go steady" were solemnly exchanged over a shared malted milkshake.
We're also involved in more relationships than ever before as we postpone marriage to a later age — and sometimes indefinitely. "In 1971, the average Australian woman married at 21," says demographic trends consultant Bernard Salt. "Today, the average age of first marriage for women is 29. [It shows that] Gen Y women have more time to set up relationships and are more mature in managing them."
Salt says there's been a societal shift from seeking a lifelong partner, to finding a series of relationships that suit you at your current life stage. "In their twenties, men and women look for a 'red sports car' partner.This is someone who looks good, travels well and is good in bed.
"But, by 30, one partner usually decides that they're sick of the sports car and wants a steadier model, something they can build a life with – a station wagon. Then, by the mid-forties, the station wagon looks a bit battered, so it's out with that and in with the soul mate – not so flash-looking, but very comfortable."
Wedded Miss
Last year, when Peaches Geldof and rocker Max Drummey married one month after meeting, then filed for divorce six months later, people rolled their eyes, but none were particularly shocked. Have we become desensitised to failed nuptials?
Not necessarily. It might have more to do with the fact that the institute of marriage and the promise of "till death do us part" seems a bit old-fashioned — even meaningless – to a generation whose parents' relationships ended in custody battles and property settlements.
And, although some people might bemoan the idea that marriage is no longer viewed as an eternal union, there are benefits to our new outlook on relationships. The strange irony of our disposable dating culture is that it's actually creating more solid marriages.
While marriage rates have dropped, the number of divorces in Australia has also steadily decreased since 2001, possibly because when people finally do take the plunge, they've taken the time to really get to know their partner. Our "date 'em, rate 'em, dump 'em" attitude has meant a lot more men are being considered as potential long-term mates, which means we're giving ourselves the best possible chance to meet someone who truly complements us.
Should "I Love You" be Forever?
So, when it comes to romance, is there a downside to not believing in the concept of forever? One drawback is that it can lead us to give up on worthwhile relationships the minute things get tricky. "I do think the mindset of ‘forever' is important in a relationship, as it helps couples remain committed to working through their conflicts," says Chris Dawson, clinical director of Humaneed marriage and relationship counselling service.
"Without a determined expectation, it's easy for people to simply walk away if problems are difficult, and without this you'll never get the joy of a long-term relationship."
If the notion of "forever" doesn't really appeal to you, commitment to your partner in the "here and now" seems like the ideal goal. After all, is it really a bad thing if people come in and out of our lives, giving us joy, although not necessarily sticking around for the long haul?
Isn't it worse if we automatically discount the possibility of happiness with someone just because they don't tick a mental checklist of qualities we'd like in a lifelong partner? Just because some people have found a person they're content to be with for the rest of their lives doesn't mean the rest of us have to hold ourselves to the same standards.
Healthy relationships should be about feeling good in the present, not constantly looking to a completely unknowable future. Perhaps it's time we pick up our pens and re-write all our fairytales from "happily ever after" to the much more achievable modern dream of "happy right now".
By Cleo Staff
