Here's what to do when his in-the-sack skills don't exactly rock your world
Bedroom Bummer No. 1: Erection Emergency
Sally, 21, fell head over heels the minute she met Mark. He was gorgeous, attentive, and the world's best kisser. After three dates she decided to sleep with him but, tragically, he couldn't get it up. "He said he was thinking too much about it, which was making him nervous," she says. "At first I accepted that, but after the second and third time, I was really put off.
After a few months of trying, I broke it off. A lot of women tell themselves that it doesn't matter if their partner isn't great in the sack, that he can make up for it in other ways, but ultimately it does matter. Without that connection, the physical attraction, passion and intimacy is lost."
How to fix it: Sexologist and author of Urge (HarperCollins, $24.95), Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, says impotence in younger men is more likely to be a psychological rather than physical issue. She suggests trying to talk about what might be stressing him out. "Sex is a shared activity and, if you want to improve your sex life, it takes two. That means communication." You could also get into some serious sex play — not intercourse — to work on your connection. "Baths, massage and oral sex are all exciting things that don't put pressure on," Dr Morrissey adds.
Bedroom bummer No.2: The Man-Doll
"I had a crush on a hot builder working next door and, after a few months of flirting, he asked me out," Daisy, 26, remembers. "He was a gentleman, intelligent and down-to-earth and, after a few dates, I was more than keen to jump into bed with him.
But when it came to the crunch, he didn't move a muscle or even make a sound. It was so awkward and asexual that I might as well have been in bed with a blow-up doll. Within a week it was over," she says. "Sexual compatibility isn't everything to me; even if the sex itself isn't that great, the whole experience is usually sensual and romantic. But this guy seemed to be a lost cause."
How to fix it: "Most men don't ask for direction," says Morrissey. "But they take direction very well. Try foreplay games so he gets more confident learning his way around your body. Taking the initiative and encouraging him to be active and creative is very important," she adds. "It enables him to get variety in his sexual repertoire while satisfying you."
Bedroom bummer No. 3: Lazy libido
So what happens if you and your man have totally out-of-sync sex drives? Fran, 26, found out from experience. "I was seeing this guy for about nine months," she says. "But although he was sweet, he had this backward idea that women aren't supposed to want sex, they're supposed to wait until requested.
Because of that, the sex was routine and never spontaneous. I stuck around with the idea that I'd change him but after realising I was trying to make something out of what was really a disaster, I lost interest," she admits.
How to fix it: When it comes to bed buddies, you're never going find a perfect match. "It's more a case of opposites attract, but you do need to have some shared values to make it work," says Morrissey. "Depending on how effectively you communicate, initiating sex and being forthright about libido can help work through differences and find common ground. Also, if you're looking for a serious relationship, that means valuing and accepting each other's differences; it's better to establish those earlier in the relationship rather than later."
Bedroom bummer No. 4: No spark
"My boyfriend, Dave, is kind and generous and personality-wise he stimulates me no end," says Annalise, 25. "The only problem is, I'm not attracted to him sexually. My friends think I'm mad for staying with him but we've been creating a life together for the past six months and are happy in every other way.
We're both really keen to improve the situation but I'm wondering whether it just comes down to chemistry," she says. "Maybe you either have it — or not. But I love Dave a lot and I'm prepared to put in the effort to make it work."
How to fix it: Working your man into a fantasy, so you have an erotic connection when you think of him, can help. "People say they tried and tried but there was no spark and they just accept it," Morrissey says. "But slotting him into a different picture can often help. The brain is the most important sexual organ and you can translate what you're thinking to your body."
By Kelli Armstrong
