The emotional booty call

Have a friend who only checks in to workshop her latest life dramas? Welcome to the EBC.

It's late at night and you've just curled up with a bowl of Maltesers and the new episode of Mad Men. As you press 'play', your phone starts ringing. It's that friend again.

You sigh and pick up, only to be greeted with hysterical ranting about her boyfriend's idiotic behaviour. This is the fifth night she's earbashed you this week and she hasn't bothered to ask about your life once.

Sound familiar? Then you've fallen prey to an emotional booty caller: someone who only gets in contact when there's drama, then vanishes when life's peachy.

For the past 18 months, Bianca, 22, has been her friend's go-to therapist whenever life throws her a curveball ... which is most weeks. "She'll text me at any time of night or day, she Facebook messages me, calls me and expects me to drop everything I'm doing to help her out and give her advice," Bianca explains. "Whenever I see her I come home with a massive headache. I wish she would sometimes ask me how I am."

Psychologist Victoria Kasunic (victoriakasunic.com) says emotional booty callers usually lack empathy. "Just like a regular booty caller, the emotional booty caller only picks up the phone when she wants something," she explains. "The emotional booty caller doesn't pay much attention to your feelings and will disappear when things start to look up." And they have a knack for picking the best people to burden.

"It's usually the really compassionate and understanding people that they call," Kasunic points out. "Those people feel like they are always the one giving support but it doesn't always go the other way."

While no-one is saying we shouldn't support our friends through difficult times, it becomes problematic when the conversation becomes repetitive. "The person on the receiving end can feel depleted if the communication and contact are only there when the other girlfriend is in need, and not when they're seeking fun times," says psychologist Melissa Podmore (vibrantpsychologyandyoga.com.au)

The exhaustion factor ramps up if your friend never takes any of the advice that you dish out, time and time again. "There's nothing wrong with venting, we all need that at times, but these people never move beyond that," Kasunic says. "You might give them strategies or help them out but they don't actually take any action — that's why people get sick of it."

For Angela*, 28, it's come to the point where she rarely answers calls from her friend Cassie* any more. Cassie is notorious for falling off the face of the earth when she has a boyfriend and only resurfaces when she wants to workshop relationship troubles. "The first few times it happened, I would try to help her as best I could," Angela says. "I'd listen, encourage and try to calm her down. But after a while I'd be so emotionally drained at the end of every chat that I would see her number and not answer."

While ignoring calls is one obvious response, you risk ending the friendship. If she's a friend worth keeping, Kasunic suggests pointing out her repetitive behaviour. "You could say something like, 'This sounds like the same thing that happened last time, so if you keep responding in the same way, nothing's going to change.' She may not want to hear it, but it would break the flow."

You could also alter the way you start conversations. "The ones who receive the booty calls tend to be the ones who ask 'how are you?' first,” Kasunic points out. "Not following the 'hi' with 'how are you?' can change the flow of the conversation."

Setting firm boundaries is also crucial, especially when the calls are coming late at night or while you're in the middle of a big project. "You could say, 'Let's catch up for a coffee later' or 'I'll see you on the weekend and then I can be 100 per cent there for you'," Kasunic suggests.

And before you beat yourself up for palming off a friend in need, Kasunic says you need to prioritise yourself. "It's just like the safety demonstration on a plane — you've got to give yourself oxygen before you can help someone else."

Are you the booty caller?

Balance the heart-to-hearts with fun times and let your friends know you appreciate their support. "If you feel like you've been leaning on a girlfriend, buy her a bunch of flowers next time you see her," Podmore says. "You're validating and acknowledging [the friendship] and that goes a long way."

*Names have been changed.